ABOUT: We, the deliberately diverse and downright dedicated team of perpetually-perky and youthful-looking people at PEAR are pleased to announce that iFat — our latest and greatest weight loss product — has officially been approved for limited release in selected markets across the United States and will therefore be available for purchase everywhere and anywhere that health-and-wellness products are sold near you¹.
PEAR LLC. is an incredibly innovative and disruptive new company that was founded all the way back in 2008² by none other than the famously fit and legendary health-and-wellness-wizard Mr. Tony Perkis — A man known-round-the-world as The Jonas Salk of Getting Jacked, The Alpha and Omega of Obesity and of course The Jew-loving Walt Disney of Wellness, as well as being the radical and revolutionary young inventor of such incredible and innovative drugs as iSad, iWeak, iFat and (most famously), iDumb³.
DOSAGE: We suggest taking one capsule of iFat as a dietary supplement before meals. Do not exceed 15 pills per day.
WARNING: May cause weight gain, walleyes or overly wishful thinking about one’s own future appearance. You may also experience headaches, muscle aches, and an increasingly shy bladder.
Do not consume any foods that begin or end with the letter ‘C’ while taking this drug; likewise avoid red meat, white meat, fruit and vegetables. Acceptable foods include anything and everything manufactured or distributed by Hostess Brands Incorporated⁴.
Under no circumstances should you consume Rocky Mountain Oysters.
This drug may cause your parents to know when you are high.
If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing while taking this product, double the dosage.
If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call The New England Journal of Medicine.
If at any point while taking this supplement your hair begins to smell like burning tires move away from any buildings or populated areas and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a ‘countdown’.
Men over the age of 40 may experience impotence while taking this drug, but only while having sex. Otherwise, a raging mega-huge boner will accompany your daily downtime⁵.
May depending on the weather cause either a four to six inch shortening of you left leg or an eight to twelve inch lengthening of your right arm.
Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor.
You may find yourself becoming lost or vague, this is an ideal time to start posting any and all of your thoughts and opinions on Facebook⁶.
May cause political correctness in fat people — Sorry, scratch that. What I meant to say was: “using iFat may in some cases cause “horizontally challenged” yet beautiful people (like Bruce Vilanch) to become increasingly politically correct.
Users may in some cases experience a growing sense of melancholy and or dissatisfaction with life, join the club!
May cause the liking of Mumford & Sons in black people as well as “stanky” breath and or leg in white people.
May I say, I say cause Foghorn Leghorn Syndrome if and when taken during Leap Years.
May cause narcolepsy and lethargy in C-level executives, but only between the hours of 9am to 5pm Monday through Friday.
You should — when taking iFat at night — remember before sleep to turn your doorknob twice to the left while blinking thrice with your right eye before hopping (I repeat, hopping) to your bed. This drug May cause lockjaw in Mexicans.
May enabld the tasting of colors — if so, we’d suggest purple⁷.
We. assuming that you have neither nut nor shellfish allergies otherwise you are about to be very dead, very fast.
This drug may, for some reason or another, cause hypersensitivity in midgets; particularly among those being referred to as “midgets” — So, in short, you should not (under any circumstances) call a midget a “midgets”⁸ while he or she is taking this supplement.⁹
1: Just so long as “near you” happens to be located somewhere either one, in The Lesser Antilles or two, below The Mason-Dixon Line (as established by the Missouri Compromise of 1820).
2: The founding of a company, any company, let alone a successful one, is an incredibly difficult and challenging task which, at least in the case of PEAR, was accomplished single-handedly via the tyranny of our founder Tony Perkis’s (who’s full, legal name is Tony Perkis Jr.) own sheer will during, what he has subsequently described as, “a weekend-long whim” involving nothing other than some can do attitude and a little elbow grease; as well as yes, a large inheritance from his father, Tony Perkis Sr. — the so called “Lighting Fixture King of Western Pennsylvanian” .
3: iDumb is an incredibly popular (albeit controversial) mental supplement which not only helped get PEAR as a company up and off the ground but which has also gone on to become an invaluable and beloved study-drug-of-choice among both students and young professionals alike; it consistently ranks among the top 4 most best-selling cognitive enhancers in the world, trailing only Adderall, Vyvanse and — you guessed it — Cocaine (a.k.a “Colombian Marching Powder”).
4: PEAR LLC. is an independently-operated subsidiary of Hostess Company Inc.
5: While men under the age of 40 on the other hand can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl.
6: Remember that everyone and anyone who disagrees with any of the ideas and or opinions that you share online is both an idiot and an enemy who should always and without hesitation be attacked and insulted (by you) via the most personal and public means available.
7: Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a “phantom” third arm.
8: At least to their faces.
9: They prefer to be called “Umpa-Lumpas”.